How to talk to 0 to 5 year old kids about divorce: Key developmental issues
Babies and toddlers
being dependent on their parent/caregivers
Having no capacity to understand complicated events, to know beforehand future situations, or understand what they are feeling.
Preschoolers
starting to develop independence, but still very dependent
Having limited capacity to understand cause and effect; still unable to think ahead to the future
understanding of the world only revolves around them
some ability to think about feelings, but limited capacity to talk about them
What to watch for: Signs of discomfort including fear, anger or emotional instability, which may be indirectly expressed through clinginess, anxiety, whininess or irritability. They may also lose ground in their development.
Parental priorities: Providing consistent care and giving children a sense of stability and reassurance. They need to be anchored by their normal routines (meals, play, bath, bed) in the presence of a parent who is “there for them.” This, of course, is important to all children, but especially after divorce.
Preschoolers need simple, concrete explanations. Stick to the basics: which parent will be moving out, where the child will live, who will look after them and how often they’ll see the other parent. Be prepared and expect questions; provide short answers, then wait to see if there are more. Don’t expect one conversation to do the job; plan on several short talks.
How to talk to 6 to 11 year old kids about divorce: Key developmental issues
6- to 8-year-olds
They are able to think and talk about feelings a little more
broader, less self-centered view of what’s going on around them, but still having limited understanding of complicated circumstances such as divorce
starting to develop more relationships outside the home (friends and school)
9- to 11-year-olds
developed more ability to understand, think and talk about feelings and circumstances in terms to divorce
relationships aside from family (friends, teachers, coaches) are more developed and becoming a greater factor in planning the child’s time
What to watch for: They may show their distress as fear, anxiety, anger or sadness, and some display clearer signs of missing their absent parent. Some may have fantasies about reconciliation and wonder what they can do to make that happen.
Parental priorities: Stable care and routines are still important. Kids at the upper end of this age range are more able to talk about what they’re feeling. However, just because they can doesn’t mean they’ll want to. Approaching the topic indirectly can help; saying, “Some kids feel sad, afraid or even angry when their parents divorce,” is less threatening than asking directly, “Are you feeling sad?” Books about divorce can also help kids focus on their feelings.
How to talk to 12-14 year old kids about divorce: Key developmental issues
greater ability to understand issues related to divorce
ability to take part in discussions and ask questions to increase their understanding
beginning to desire for more independence; questioning of parental authority
relationships outside the family increasingly important
What to watch for: Showing Irritability and anger at both parents or the one who moved out are common. It can be hard to determine how much of a young teen’s moodiness is related to the divorce.
Parental priorities: Keep the communication open to decrease the chance that emotional problems slip under the radar. Kids in this age group can be harder to reach, and sometimes they act as if they don’t want to be reached. But of them still need and crave connection with parents. Some says they were testing their parents to see if they really cared so keep talking, even though you feel like your child pushes you away; make some of the conversation about what they want to talk about.
It’s hard to maintain normal good parenting when you are grieving a lost relationship and preoccupied with lawyers and court dates. Do your best to keep the adult issues separate from your interactions with your children, and get outside help like counseling if you need it.
How to help them cope with the impending separation
Separation or divorce usually affect big changes for family life. The child might feel upset or sad when changes happen. It’s okay for them to feel that way. It’ll help them to know that it is a tough time for everyone.
Communicating with your child is the best way to help them adjust to the changes in your family. You can also help them by doing some practical things, including sticking with familiar routines, involving them in decision-making and getting support.
Talking with children about separation or divorce
Here are some tips for talking with your child about the changes that separation or divorce bring.
Keep it Simple and Clear
You don’t need to tell your child all the details. But they do have a right to know what’s happening, where they’ll live and who’ll take care of them. And they need reassurance that things will be okay again.
Explain it in clear, simple and honest language your child can understand. For example, ‘We both love you, and we’re going to take care of you. We’ve decided that it’s better for all of us if we live in separate houses’.
Take time with hard questions
If your child asks you a hard question like ‘Where am I going to live now?’, you could ask, ‘What have you heard?’ Asking this will help you find out what your child already knows or what is unclear to them. Sometimes it takes time to answer a hard question, so give yourself more time to think and tell your child that you’ll get back to them. You could say, ‘I can’t tell for now. Your Dad and I are still working that out. But I do know that you’ll get to spend time with each of us’. If your child asks you questions about their other parent, encourage your child to talk to their other parent about it directly but if your relationship with your child’s other parent is okay, you could let them know that your child has asked some questions.
Listen to your child’s concerns
There might be specific concerns behind your child’s questions. For example, if your child asks when Dad is going to move back, they might be worrying about when they’ll next see Dad. Ask your child what they’re worried about, and reassure them that you understand. For example, ‘It seems like you’re worried about when you’ll see Dad. You’re still going to see him every week. I know that’s very important for you’.
Keep the conversation going
Your child might keep thinking about an issue, so be prepared to answer questions more than once. Your child might keep thinking about an issue, so be prepared to answer questions. Making a regular time to talk can give your child a chance to discuss their concerns. For example, when your child gets home from school, while you’re eating together, or while you‘re driving together in the car. You can also use this regular time to let your child know about new developments.
Talk about feelings
If your child sees you feeling sad, angry or upset. That’s okay, and it can even be healthy. As long as they see you expressing feelings in a calm and healthy way, they’ll know that it’s okay for them to do this too. It’s important to let your child know that you love them and that your feelings are not their fault or responsibility, and reassure them that things will get better. When your child expresses feelings, listen actively. This gives you the chance to understand your child’s feelings better. You can say things like,‘I understand this makes you feel upset’ or ‘I’d feel upset if that happened to me too’.
It might be difficult to hear about your child’s hurt, confusion, sadness or anger, especially if you’re dealing with similar feelings yourself. But your child needs to talk, and you’ll better understand your child’s needs if you really listen.
Familiar routines for children after separation or divorce
Routines help children feel secure, safe and in control, so keeping up routines can help your child cope with changes like separation and divorce. Identify routines that really matter to your child, like a regular playdate with friends or reading their favorite book before bed. If possible, try not to change big things for them like your child’s school. Let your child know that these things won’t change. Always maintain rituals. The way you wake your child in the morning or what you say to them before going to school are reassuring rituals that you can easily keep up. If your child is old enough, you could try working out some new routines together.
Decision-making with your child after separation or divorce
Involving your child in small day-to-day decisions like how to arrange their closet or what to have for Breakfast, it’ll help your child feel like they have some control at a time when things are changing. With older children, it’s important to listen and let them know that their opinions matter. It’s very important not to burden children of any age with big decisions, especially ones that make them choose or feel stuck between you.
Fun time with children after separation or divorce
Take time out to have some quality time with your child, even if it’s listening to some music and dancing together. It’s also good to do a few things on the spur of the moment – for example, having a picnic at a park.
When children are struggling after separation or divorce: signs and support
Your child might not be able to tell you that they’re struggling. But changes in their usual behavior, mood or personality can be signs that they aren’t okay. These changes might include getting more angry than usual or having sleep problems. If you think your child needs support, you can let your child’s teachers at child care, preschool or school know what’s going on. They can watch out for changes in your child’s behavior and might also be able to suggest other support, including school counselors.
If you’re worried about your child’s mental health, talk to your GP as soon as possible. They can help you find other professionals who can help, like local psychologists.
How to anticipate and handle your children’s reactions to divorce based on their different age-groups
Divorce often represents a traumatic shift in a child's world and from their perspective, a loss of family. When they’re told about the divorce, many children feel sad, angry, and anxious, and they might have a hard time grasping how their lives will change. A child's age also impacts their response to the new family structure. The following offers some guidelines as to what you can expect at various life stages and how you can ease the transition for your child.
Infant to Three Years. While your child may not understand what is going on s/he will be able to sense anger and tension.
Expect these possible reactions:
Fear upon separation from the primary caregiver
Confusion if the regular routine is interrupted
Changes in eating, sleeping, and toilet habits
Increased crying, temper tantrums and irritability
Parent’s Tasks:
Arrange time with each parent in familiar as well as new surroundings with familiar objects
Establish a routine that includes time spent eating and sleeping with each parent
Provide consistency
Ensure adult time for each parent
Preschool – Ages 3 to 6. Expect these possible reactions:
Regressive behaviors – thumb-sucking, bed-wetting
Clinging, whining, and fear of being abandoned
Anxiety, bewilderment, sadness, neediness
Lack of interest in usual play activities
Creation of fantasy stories
Aggressive behavior exhibited in play and/or towards parents
Self blame – children in this age group frequently think the world revolves around them
Parent’s Tasks:
Restore the child’s confidence in himself and his world
Use your child’s frame of reference for time. (You will come back after Sesame Street.)
Provide consistency
Give her time and attention
Allow readjustment time after time spent with the other parent
Ages 6 to 10. Expect these possible reactions:
Sadness, hopelessness, crying
Fear of being abandoned and being left without a family
Feeling deprived
Intense yearning for the absent parent
Wishing and fantasizing that the parents will reconcile
Loyalty conflicts between the parents
Anger towards parents
Changes in eating and sleeping habits
A lack of interest, poor concentration, problems with impulse control
Fears of going to school
Symptoms of physical illness
Parent’s Tasks
Provide reassurance that she is loved and will be cared for
Give him time and attention
Avoid confiding in or burdening her with adult concerns such as child support
Encourage connection with both parents and avoid any impression that the child should take sides
Allow readjustment time after time spent with the other parent
Pre-teens and Adolescents. Expect these possible reactions:
Intense anger, often directed at the parent he think wants the divorce
Identification with, and/or an attempt to become the companion of the parent she thinks is the victim
Shaken sense of identity
Symptoms of physical illness
School or peer difficulties
Feeling disappointed in her parents
Feeling disillusioned with relationships
Diminished self-esteem
Shoplifting, drug use, school failure and absenteeism, disruptive behavior
Threatening suicide
Taking on new responsibilities in order to save the parent’s marriage
Anguish and a profound sense of loss
Depression, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems and fatigue
Moral judgment towards parents; a belief that the parents are selfish and insensitive
Loyalty conflicts often resulting in distancing from both parents
Preoccupation with his future
Feeling overwhelmed, particularly if one parent is relying on her for emotional support
Pseudo-maturity and sexual activity
Intensification of the normal risk-taking and rebellion of adolescence
Worry about being loved and loveable
Parent’s Tasks:
Restore the child’s belief in a moral and stable world
Encourage the child to love both parents
Keep parental disputes private, out of the child’s sight and hearing
Balance responsibilities with a lot of play and extracurricular activities
Exhibit appropriate sexual behaviors. A parent’s new sexual identity will trigger uncomfortable feelings for the child
Provide support, encouragement, and a forum for self expression
College Age. Expect these possible reactions:
A sense of relief
Feelings of being torn
Uncertainty and fear about continued or future education
Yearning for an intact family
Difficulty determining how to confide in one parent or the other
Apprehension about repeating the pattern of an unsuccessful marriage
Parent’s Goals
Provide a safe and inviting place to come home to
Allow her to vent
Be specific about financial arrangements for college
Encourage contact with both parents
Keep clear parent-child boundaries – don’t share more than they need to know
Assure him that you will handle holidays, celebrations and special events
Be open to discussing her fears about marriage and assure her that she can be successful
Maintain and/or create family rituals around special occasions
Children’s Bill of Rights
Experts estimate that today’s divorce rate stands between 42 percent and 45 percent, slightly lower than the peak years of the 1990s and 2000s, when one in two marriages typically ended in divorce. Children being raised in a home where the parents are not married, but are transitioning into different homes experience similar separation rates. But the numbers don’t make it any easier on anyone, particularly the minor children who may suffer negative psychological effects from arguments or clashes arising during their parents’ divorce or residential transition.
“It used to be that we thought ‘divorce’ itself was responsible for the negative psychological effects on children. Spouses and parents stayed together ‘for the sake of the children,’” said divorce mediator Marta J. Papa, in divorcemag.com. “Now we know differently. After years of studying the impact of divorce on children, we have discovered that it is the conflict between the parents, not the divorce or separation per se, that is so emotionally traumatic for children.” That is why avoiding or minimizing conflict before, during and after a divorce is key to a smooth transition for children. And it is no different for unmarried parents who are in custodial conflict.
“Divorced parents still must fulfill their responsibilities to their kids, and in my view, children should have rights in divorced families,” says Robert Emery, Ph.D. and a professor of Psychology and director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, on his website. Many courts across New York State, and even in other states, adopt the ‘Children’s Bill of Rights,’ taking them so seriously that they incorporate them as a ‘Bill of Rights’ directly into divorce decrees and Family Court custodial orders.
Emery created the following “Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce.”
It recommends that every child whose parents are divorcing or separating has:
The right to love and be loved by both of your parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
The right to be protected from your parents’ anger with each other.
The right to be kept out of the middle of your parents’ conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
The right not to have to choose one of your parents over the other.
The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of your parents’ emotional problems.
The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect your life; for example, when one of your parents is going to move or get remarried.
The right to reasonable financial support during your childhood and through your college years.
The right to have feelings, to express your feelings, and to have both parents listen to how you feel.
The right to have a life that is as close as possible to what it would have been if your parents stayed together.
The right to be a kid.
Co-parenting skills during and after divorce
It’s usually best for children if co-parenting arrangements keep both parents involved in a child’s life. But it’s not always easy to create new parenting arrangements when a relationship breaks down.
For example, you and your child’s other parent might both want as much time as possible with your child, or your child’s other parent might not want to see your child. You might see equal time with your child as a fair solution, but this might not be possible for various reasons – for example, because your child is still breastfeeding. Or it might not be the best option for your child.
There are many practical issues to sort through, too, like where you both live. Children generally do better when their parents live near each other, but this isn’t an option for all separated families.
Whatever your situation, you and your child’s other parent need to make clear decisions about how you’ll parent your child now and in future. It’ll be easier if you can both keep open minds and try to think about how your child is feeling as you work out your co-parenting arrangements.
To meet everyone’s needs – with a focus on what’s best for your child – you might have to make some compromises.
Developing a co-parenting plan
A co-parenting plan is a useful way to set out care arrangements for your child, your parental responsibilities and the new relationship between you and your child’s other parent. The key thing is to ensure that your child can have safe and healthy relationships with all their parents.
A co-parenting plan should address:
a contact or visitation schedule
education
finances
children’s medical needs or concerns
holidays and special events
guidelines for decision-making and dispute resolution.
Ask your child's other parent if they can help out if your child needs to stay home from childcare or school. You can discuss this in person, by phone, or via email or text message. For your co-parenting plan to work, you must agree on what happens if one of you needs to change the plan or if circumstances change.
Co-parenting successfully: tips
Aim to be flexible
Flexibility benefits everyone. For example, if your child’s other parent is sometimes late for pick-ups, it might help to be ready with alternative plans. If you’re flexible when your child’s other parent needs to change something, they might be more flexible when you need it. Your plans will also need to adapt as your child grows up and their needs and circumstances change – for example, when they start school, take up a new sport or become more independent.
Try to accept different parenting styles
If this is challenging for you, you can make a distinction between your preferences and the needs of your child's other parent. If you can respect the other parent's wishes, try to keep communication open and honest with your child. Talk about what things are OK and not OK to do.
For example:
Your preferences might include ‘I want my child to be sugar free’ or ‘I want my child to make their own bed and school lunch’.
Your child’s needs include things that affect their health and safety, like taking prescribed medication or avoiding foods they’re allergic to.
If you don’t like something your child’s other parent does because of your preferences, you might be able to let it slide. This way, you can focus parenting discussions on your child’s needs. As long as your child is safe and secure, different parenting approaches and styles can help your child learn that different rules apply in different situations.
Help your child feel connected to their other parent
If it’s not upsetting for you, you could display a family photo that includes your child’s other parent. You could also try to be positive about what your child is doing when they’re at their other parent’s house. For example, ‘Wow, that looks like a great cubby house. What a fun weekend you’ve had!’ or ‘I love hearing about all your adventures and encourage your child to stay in touch with their other parent when they’re with you. They could use phone calls, video calls, text messages, DMs or email. This is especially important if your child’s other parent lives far away.
Keep your child’s other parent up to date
You and your child's other parent can keep each other up to date by using a shared online calendar or app that lists your child's weekly schedule, including special school or social events. Your child’s child care service, preschool or school can send records and newsletters to both you and your child’s other parent. You or your child’s other parent can ask for these if you’re not already getting them.
Plan for tasks, activities and events
You may be able to attend school concerts or parent-teacher interviews together if your other parent is involved in or responsible for tasks like health visits or school outings. You can attend activities together if your terms are good. If you can't attend together, let your child know you'll be there separately. If you're both there, think about how you'll deal with it.
Give your child’s other parent some time to learn the ropes
Your child's other parent may need a little time to learn about the practical side of caring for children, since you mostly cared for your child before your separation. Try to focus on the positive things your child's other parent does.
Be prepared for some challenging feelings
When your child is with their other parent, you might feel a sense of loss, loneliness and disappointment. It can help to see this time as an opportunity. For example, time apart from your child can give you a chance to rest, relax and pursue relationships with family and friends. Planning can help you cope when your child is away. You could arrange to do some exercise, see friends for a meal, visit family or see a movie. If possible, agree in advance on the kind of contact you’ll have with your child while they’re with their other parent. For example, you might use phone calls, video calls, text messages, DMs or email. When you’re talking with your child, focus on them and try not to show how much you’re missing them.
Dealing with special celebrations when you’re co-parenting
Sometimes the biggest days of the year – for example, special religious festivals or holidays – are the hardest times to work out parenting plans that suit everyone. Being alone on a significant day, without your child, is difficult for many separated parents.
Flexibility and creativity is the key to sorting this out.
Some parents split special days in half. For example, the child spends the morning with one parent and the afternoon with the other parent. For others, it works better to alternate parenting on special days every year. And some parents hold celebrations before or after the special day. This is a way to create new rituals while holding on to some traditions that you previously shared, like opening presents in bed in the morning or sharing a special dessert.
It’s important to talk with your child in advance about the arrangements for their birthday and other special days. Depending on your child’s age, you could include them in discussions too. Also try to share information with your child’s other parent about the larger gifts you might buy for a special occasion, to avoid doubling up.
Parental alienation
Divorce and separation can breed bad blood between parents and children when one partner uses the children to target the other partner.
Among the many areas of concern for social workers working with divorced or separated couples with children are two related problems: parental alienation, or the efforts on the part of one parent to turn a child against the other parent, and parental alienation syndrome, or a child’s unwarranted rejection of one parent in response to the attitudes and actions of the other parent. Social workers may encounter these problems in a number of settings, such as family service agencies, schools, and family court, as well as in private practice working with high-conflict divorcing couples, parents who believe that the other parent has or will turn the children against them, alienated children refusing to see a parent, adults who are still alienated from a parent, or elders who have “lost” their children to parental alienation.
While some social workers may be unaware of the name for this particular phenomenon, they have probably dealt with it over the course of their careers. For example, clients may enter individual therapy presenting with anxiety, depression, or relationship problems and later reveal that they have been cut off from one parent by another parent. These clients may be unaware of the meaning of the lost relationship and may even minimize its effect on their growth, development, and current mental health concerns.
Children referred to a school social worker for acting out or experiencing academic problems may casually reveal that they have no contact with a “hated” parent. When questioned about the absent parent, these children may vehemently denounce the parent as “good riddance to bad rubbish.” The family of such a child may be maneuvering behind the scenes to exclude the other parent from the child’s school life by misrepresenting that parent’s intentions to school staff, withholding information from that parent to create the appearance of a lack of interest, and removing contact information from school records.
A third scenario is represented by clients who enter therapy consumed with fear that the other parent is turning the children against them. Such parents will be desperate for advice and guidance about how to cope with the chronic provocation of the other parent. These parents live with anxiety, depression, and helplessness, as well as feelings of victimization by the other parent, the child, and myriad systems (legal, mental health, school) that are not always responsive to the needs of targeted parents.
In all these cases, social workers may formulate a hypothesis that one parent has engineered the child’s rejection of the other parent. However, unless the social worker is familiar with parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome, he or she is missing a useful conceptual framework for understanding how one parent is able to poison a child’s relationship with the other parent in the absence of just cause.
Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome
A Campaign of Denigration
Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.
Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.
Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent
Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.
The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon
Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.
Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent
Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.
Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict
Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.
Presence of Borrowed Scenarios
Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.
Rejection of Extended Family
Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.
In a recent study (Baker & Darnall, 2007), targeted parents rated their children as experiencing these eight behavioral manifestations in a way that was generally consistent with Gardner’s theory. Parents reported that their children exhibited the eight behaviors with a high degree of frequency. One exception was alienated children being able to maintain a relationship with some members of the targeted parent’s extended family, which occurred in cases where that relative was actually aligned with the alienating parent. This suggests that the context of the contact with the targeted parent’s extended family (that relative’s role in the alienation) needs to be understood prior to concluding whether this component is present in the child.
Study of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome
Gardner identified parental alienation syndrome only 20 years ago. However, researchers and clinicians have been concerned about these cross-generational alliances for much longer. For example, divorce researchers such as Wallerstein and colleagues (2001) have noted that some children develop unhealthy alliances with one parent while rejecting the other. Family therapists have observed that, when a child is “taller” than a parent (i.e., able to look down on), it is usually because he or she is standing on the shoulders of the other parent (i.e., being supported by).
Although this problem has long been of concern to mental health practitioners, little research has been conducted on the specific problem of children rejecting one parent due to the overt or covert influence of the other. In contrast to the dearth of research, demand for knowledge about parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome is overwhelming. There are several Web sites devoted to this problem, many of which receive tens of thousands of visits each year. The few books on divorce that discuss this problem are best sellers, and there are several Internet chat groups of anxious parents who fear that the other parent of their child is turning their child against them. Saddest of all are the parents who have already lost their child to parental alienation syndrome and want to know whether they will ever get the child back.
This is the question that guided the current study on parental alienation syndrome of adults who as children had been turned against one parent by their other parent (Baker, 2007). In order to participate in the study, the individuals needed to have been alienated from one parent as a child and had to believe that the alienation was at least in part due to the actions and attitudes of the other parent. Forty adults participated in in-depth, semistructured telephone interviews. A content analysis was conducted. Some of the major themes and research findings relevant to the work of social workers are the following:
FINDINGS
Different Familial Contexts
Parental alienation syndrome can occur in intact families, as well as divorced families, and can be fostered by fathers, mothers, and noncustodial and custodial parents. The prototypical case is a bitter ex-wife turning the children against the father in response to postdivorce custody litigation. That is one but not the only pattern. Mental health professionals should be aware that other familial contexts exist within which parental alienation syndrome can occur so as to avoid ruling out parental alienation syndrome as an explanation because the family context does not fit the prototype.
Emotional, Physical, and Sexual Abuse
Many of the interviewees revealed that the alienating parent had emotionally, physically, or sexually abused them. These data should help put to rest the prevailing notion that all children (in their naive wisdom) will ally themselves with the parent better able to attend to their needs. The people interviewed appeared to side with the parent on whom they had become dependent and whose approval they were most afraid of losing, not the parent who was most sensitive or capable.
Apparent Psychopathology
A related finding is that many of the alienating parents appeared to have features of narcissism and/or have a borderline or antisocial personality disorder, as well as being active alcoholics. Thus, social workers providing individual therapy with a client who may have been alienated from one parent by the other should be aware of the importance of exploring these other abuse and trauma factors in the client’s early history.
Cult Parallels
Cults offer a useful heuristic for understanding parental alienation syndrome. Alienating parents appear to use many emotional manipulation and thought reform strategies that cult leaders use. Awareness of this analogy can help individuals who experienced parental alienation syndrome (and their therapists) understand how they came to ally with a parent who was ultimately abusive and damaging. The analogy is also helpful for understanding the recovery and healing process.
The research and clinical literature on recovery from cults offers useful ideas for therapists working with adult children of parental alienation syndrome. For example, the way in which a person leaves a cult has ramifications for the recovery process. Cult members can walk away from a cult, be cast out of a cult, or be counseled out of a cult. Those who walk away (come to the realization on their own that the cult is not healthy for them) and those who are counseled out (those who are exposed to a deliberate experience designed to instigate the desire to leave) tend to fare better than those who are cast out (those who are rejected from the cult for failing to meet its regulations and strictures) (Langone, 1994).
Regardless of how the cult is abandoned, leaving represents only the beginning of the recovery process. Considerable time and effort is required (usually in therapy) to process the experience and undo the negative messages from the cult that have become incorporated into the self. The same may be true of adult children of parental alienation syndrome.
Different Pathways to Realization
There appear to be many different pathways to the realization that one has been manipulated by a parent to unnecessarily reject the other parent. Eleven catalysts were described by the interview participants. This represents both good and bad news. The good news is that there are many different ways to evolve from alienation to realization. The bad news is that there is no silver bullet or magic wand to spark that process. For some participants, it was a matter of time and gaining life experience. For others, it was the alienating parent turning on them and, for others, it was becoming a parent and being the target of parental alienation from their own children. For most, the process was just that—a process.
There were a few epiphanies, but most experienced something like a slow chipping away of a long-held belief system, a slow awakening to a different truth and a more authentic self. Most gained self-respect and a connection to reality and were grateful to know “the truth.” At the same time, they acknowledged that this truth was hard won and quite painful. Once they were aware of the parental alienation, they had to come to terms with some painful truths, including that the alienating parent did not have their best interest at heart, that as children they had probably behaved very badly toward someone who did not deserve such treatment, and that they missed out on a relationship that may have had real value and benefit to them.
Long-Term Negative Effects
Not surprisingly, the adult children with parental alienation syndrome believed that this experience had negative long-term consequences for them. Many spoke of suffering from depression, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, failed relationships and multiple divorces and, most sadly, becoming alienated from their own children later in life. In this way, the intergenerational cycle of parental alienation syndrome was perpetuated.
Wide Range of Alienation Tactics
The adult children with parental alienation syndrome described a range of alienating strategies, including constant badmouthing of the targeted parent, chronic interference with visitation and communication, and emotional manipulation to choose one parent over the other. These same strategies were confirmed in a subsequent study of close to 100 targeted parents (Baker & Darnall, 2006). More than 1,300 specific actions described were independently coded into 66 types, 11 of which were mentioned by at least 20% of the sample. There was considerable but not complete overlap in the strategies identified by the targeted parents with those described by adult children.
Working With Targeted Parents
Social workers counseling parents who are facing parental alienation need to offer support, education, and guidance. The social worker’s primary role is to help the client become educated about parental alienation (what are primary behaviors that turn a child against the other parent) and parental alienation syndrome (what are the behavioral manifestations of an alienated child) so the parent can determine whether this is in fact the problem. These clients must be encouraged to look at themselves and their relationship with their children prior to blaming the other parent for their difficulties.
If the conclusion is that parental alienation is at work, the targeted parent should be taught a series of responses to parental alienation that can allow the targeted parent to maintain the high road while not becoming overly passive or reactive. Such parents need ongoing validation and support in dealing with the pain and suffering associated with parental alienation.
Working With Alienated Children
Social workers who come into contact with children currently alienated must be self-reflective and aware so that they do not ally with the child against the targeted parent. A second concern is avoiding becoming intimidated or manipulated by the alienating parent. The child should be helped to develop critical thinking skills in order to enhance his or her ability to resist the pressure to choose sides. The targeted parent and the child’s relationship with that parent must be validated for the child. The social worker can be a role model who values and respects the targeted parent in order to counter the ongoing message that this parent is inadequate and someone to be discarded.
In private practice, family service agencies, and school settings, social workers may work with clients affected by parental alienation. Some of these individuals may even be unaware of the source of their pain and suffering and/or uninformed about the name and nature of this phenomenon. Familiarity on the part of the social worker is the first step in providing the client with information, guidance, and hope when dealing with this complicated and painful issue.
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